I should be doing homework right now but it's like torture. I just want to be with my boyfriend. I know I'm being too clingy but if I could have anything right now it would just be him. Problem is, he's in Germany right now and anyway, I'm trying not to be clingy so I'll just vent it out in a blog that he'll never read instead of bothering him.
I'm going to do my best at staying anonymous here but I'll probably slip up and let something out. It's not a big deal but I'm at least not going to advertise what I'm writing about. It's nice to think that still other people out there may be reading this so I don't feel so much that I'm talking to myself. Not really sure what I should talk about on here but I guess I'll give the run through about me for starters.
I'm 24. I'm in a technical college working on a college transfer and then hopefully I'll studying engineering. Most likely mechanical. First thing is that I've got to learn how to study. I think something is wrong with me because I just can't get my work done. I can't concentrate. It's not that I'm not motivated but as it is seeming more and more impossible for me to learn I am quickly losing the motivation that I have. I have an appointment at the end o February to get some Adderall. I'd much prefer to do the whole thing drug free but as that hasn't been working I'm ready to try anything.
My goal is to go back to Germany where I spent over two years. Of course, me going back depends on me being able to learn to study. We'll see how it goes. I've learned how to speak German so I'm sure I can learn to study.... it's just hard trying to learn how to learn when you're older.
Random things about me:
Pole dancer
Vegan
Cat lady
Atheist
Student
Nympho
Stripper (hey, I got bills to pay)
...aaaand that' all I can think of.
I think I'm starting to get depressed again. I need to get out and see people and not just my boyfriend. The poor kid, I'm going to run him off if I can't focus on something else. Maybe it's because I have "daddy issues", as in my daddy is a fucking douchebag that wants nothing to do with me because I don't share is stupid religious beliefs.
I thought I was okay here for a bit and liked being alone (which I do) but now I've noticed that I really need to start hanging out with people more often because the signs of depression are starting to set back in again. And when I'm depressed I put on weight and lose sexy points.
I'm not bad looking and I know it but I still have issues with my self esteem. If I'm feeling great then I look great but I feel so shitty so much of the time because I'm overwhelmed with everything and that comes through in my appearance. I'm always scared that my bf is going to find someone prettier or whatever. Also, whenever I see a well-dressed attractive girl I immediately feel a huge pang of jealousy regardless of how hot I may look myself at that moment.
I just want to get all this shit off of my chest. I'll make another list because that sounds like something that someone would recommend I do.
Shit to get off my chest:
Schoolwork-get all caught up if not ahead. Figure out what the fuck is going on in all your classes.
Pole- get re-motivated to start learning more tricks and increase your flexibility
Extra weight- I think I could lose 20 pounds and look amazing... but I love to eat
Start working regularly and working on that hustle so you start regularly bringing home bank again
After you've lost that weight and have earned enough go shopping and get some clothes that don't make you look like a bag lady
So I have a little bit laid out for me. I keep reminding myself that the definition of insanity is "doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result". I suppose what I'm doing is somewhat insanity but the thing is I'm stuck in such a rut that I don't know what to do differently.
I'm hoping this blog will maybe help me to see my own problems and be able to go about fixing them.
Toodle-doo.
